Don't you just hate it when you spend hours blogging and it disappears from sight and no draft has been saved? I am so frustrated right now. It's been a rubbish day already and I had written all about it...although I do feel much better now...or at least I did until it disappeared! Maybe the was why it happened? To make me realise how much better I was feeling...Could have realised that without 2 hours of work going missing mine but then that's kind of how I am feeling today!
This morning I got up feeling a little tired but fine. If anything I was excited because it is the first day of half term! (Whoop whoop). I had a lovely leisurely breakfast, spent some time with my husband and then we got dressed and took our dog for a walk up a lovely country lane near where we used to live. My chest was tight and so my breathing was a little difficult but I was ok. We walked about 3/4 of a mile and my head started to feel dizzy so we slowed our pace. After a while I felt better and then came the waves so we walked to the gate at the end and turned back to go home. We had walked as far as the path lead anyway so we weren't coming back just because I felt a little off. As we came down the lane I started to feel worse and worse but kept plodding on chatting and stopping to touch my favourite tree, Jasper. We had already planned to go to Newark to collect my laptop, (which has been in PC world for a total of 6 weeks out of the 12 weeks I have had it) and to take back some Next clothes I had ordered in the sale but decided not to keep. Dom drove to Newark and we chatted as we drove. I had the window down slightly to help my breathing but on the whole I was feeling better. When the car stopped and I got out my head was dizzy and I felt that familiar spacey feeling creeping in but I was going to do my jobs. After all even I spout on about facing fears and not avoiding doing things you want to do just because you feel a little anxious or unwell. In hindsight I think I felt generally unwell and not anxious. I had no anxiety symptoms mentally but I felt physically poorly. Learning the difference is difficult and so I pushed on. We collected the laptop (still didn't work by the way so I have re set it back to factory settings myself since bringing it home) and took the clothes back to next. I felt rotten but we walked down to TK Max to see if we could find some shoes for our youngest. There was nothing in his size but by this point I was feeling like I was going to pass out. You know those waves you get, where you feel like your being pulled backwards out of your body? Your arms and legs go heavy and like jelly, the word spins, you loos the ability to communicate efficiently and you turn ice cold and start to shake? Well I had all of that and it came on so suddenly. I was lucky that I had gone with Dom and not on my own as I had planned and he helped me back to the car and drove me home.
In a way I felt defeated because we had planned to go for lunch and get a few bits in Morrison's but actually I had achieved because despite feeling rough had gone out and done 2/3rds of what I had planned successfully. When we got home I came straight to bed with a hot water bottle and started to feel really down on myself. I have had two really good weeks of very little anxiety, only a couple of mild panic attacks and generally I have felt great so to have such a bad day is hard to take. Of course I have to take into consideration my hormones are raging as it's close to that time of the month we all hate, I am tired. I have been working on a few clients every week now with my holistic business as well as writing my blog and I am back to volunteering for swimming club and school a few hours a week. This week I have really tried to slow things down but you can't help life sometimes and it goes so fast you can't slow down. The boys have had foot ball training, matches, swimming, gala's, then there's been my writing and my work, keeping the house clean and tidy, planning a meditation evening, which had a small turn out from what I had expected due to the response I had had but was lovely. Then there was harvest festival and this week for some unknown reason all three of my boys have played up at some point and I have been really cross a few times...not like us at all really. Then to top it off it will be my Grandad's 90th Birthday on Saturday, ( We lost him 8 weeks ago), and less than two weeks after that will be the 5th anniversary of my Grans death, so I am upset.
Looking at it logistically I am not surprised I'm feeling off today with all of that going on. It's a lot for anyone to take but when your in recovery I think it can be harder because your still trying to cope with just every day stuff. I made a post on a website for anxiety and depression sufferers just saying how I felt and I had a few comments back from lovely people going through the same as me...and countless others...that sometimes we all have bad days and it's important to see it not as a set back but more as a reminder of how far we have come! The fact I am moaning that after 2 brilliant weeks I am having a bad day means I have had 2 brilliant weeks! I have to say it must have been 10 or 11 months since I could say I've have more than a couple of days consecutively of feeling good and anxiety free or at least very low anxiety. I speak to people every day who forget to count all the blessings of the day, no matter how small and only focus on the bad stuff and yet here I was feeling really down because I did feel so very poorly, but because I felt I had gone back over and in actually fact even without anxiety, fibro or depression I would be allowed the odd rough day.
Before my Grad died she used to sing 'One day at a time sweet Jesus'. We played it at her funeral. Because that was how we got through those tough days leading up to her death and also the 5 years since. I think it was possibly my Mam who came up with it actually...she has a song for everything...and I had almost forgotten it because my last few weeks have been so good I dared to think too far ahead. I'm not saying I can't look ahead and try to aim for life in full recovery but what I am saying is that in doing so I still have to live today for today, and that means taking today as it comes and getting through it, bit by bit. One day at a time. I have been so busy focusing on being positive and getting better I have pushed some important feelings aside. I am allowed to grieve for my Gramps, and indeed be sad it is five years since Gran left us too but I usually forget to allow myself to do this because I am so busy telling myself they are safe and well now and they are together. They are safe and well. They are together. We have been extremely lucky to have had such wonderful people in our lives and be so close to them...all of my Grandparents were amazing...but I am also allowed to feel sad they have gone from our physical lives no matter how close they are spiritually and I admit it, I miss them all with every cell of my body. Especially my Gramps because he has been the most precious person in our lives since the others passed because he represented them all an while he was here we felt they were all here really. Gramps was such a very special individual on his own terms. He was kind, caring, loving and always put his family before himself, he put everyone before himself, even up to the very last moments of his life.
As a psychic medium I was lucky enough to have a message a few days before his passing and I was able to go and see him. Dom, Ben and I spent 2 glorious hours with him the day before he died, laughing and talking about everything past and present but I knew he was tired and It was his time to go. In fact despite being heart broken when he passed it was a massive turning point in my recovery because I know that he is always with me an I know he would be sad to see me upset or unwell. he hated it when I was in pain, or unwell and it worried him so I thought I had better get better so not to worry him now. Maybe that's another reason why I push my feelings away?
Today I am going to recognise I am tired, and a little sad and I am going to allow myself time to grieve and rest because I know that today is just a day and tomorrow is a new day. How I treat myself today will shape how I feel tomorrow and I owe it to Gramps to get better and live a long happy life with my family for him. I am recovering well and even in recovery we all have set backs. It's how we view them that impacts on how well or how quickly we recover! So I think I shall still praise myself for trying today and then recognising when it was time to rest because that in itself is such a long way from where I was even a few weeks ago :)
Hi my Name is Philippa Woodsford and I am a Holistic therapist, Reiki Master Teacher and Hypnotherapist. I suffer with anxiety and depression due to a condition called fibromyalgia which I believe is linked with an auto immune disease I was diagnosed with at just 17. My blog is written for me as a sort of journal but also in the hope it may bring hope and healing to others suffering with similar issues on a daily basis. Enjoy