I have had such a tough few days. My word, what can I say? I have suffered with vertigo many times before and in many different forms but Sunday really did take the biscuit! I haven't had it like that for about 12 years and I NEVER want to experience it again!
I have been having dizzy spells for weeks, months really but they came and went. Some lasted a few hours, some only moments but everyone of them started some sort of anxiety off because it is such a debilitating feeling to have vertigo, then in time I developed a generalised anxiety disorder because I worried constantly about being dizzy or ill and that in turn gave me anxiety related vertigo...vicious circle! I can be fine one moment and turn my head only to start spinning. Like the day we went to Cadbury World and I spent the whole time in the first aid room with a lovely security guard, clinging on to the side of the couch and throwing up while my family went round the factory eating delish chocolate and seeing the wonderful sights...I never did get to see it since either! Sometimes it passes quickly, a few moments or an hour or so. Other times it lasts several hours to a few days but it does usually ease when I lie down for a while. Not this time tho.
I had felt unwell since the weekend before with migraine headaches and a few dizzy spells. For several weeks I had noticed little stars in front of my eyes (you know the ones you usually get when you stand up to fast or bend over too far), but I was getting them even when I was lying down. Not many but enough to notice. I was always unbalanced when walking in dimmed light or darkness so I don't go out anymore after 4.30. It all worried me but I have low Blood pressure anyway and with a recent sickness bug, fibro flare ups and anxiety I put it all down to feeling out of sorts generally. On Thursday my client commented I wasn't my usual self and I really wasn't but I carried on as normal. My fibro was acting up and I had been using my sticks for a few days and the headache was never ending. Friday was worse, I somehow managed to teach my little swimming group from a sitting position by the pool side. It was painful and difficult but it felt great to be there doing it because I get so much from teaching the kiddies to swim and they seem to enjoy me being there. I had a Hypnotherapy client on Friday afternoon and we had a really brilliant session. My client left with such a smile on her face it made the whole session so worth while. But once I had my boys in from school I just wanted to lie down and relax...so I did just that! We watched films and snuggled and they had a few treats, it was lovely.
Saturday morning I felt a little better. It was a lovely morning so I went to the farm with Dom and we had a glorious morning together until about 11am when I suddenly went really dizzy and felt I couldn't catch my breath. By 12.30pm I was at home in bed feeling sorry for myself with a migraine. Our middle son had a gala that afternoon and I so wanted to go and watch him but the headache was getting worse, I felt sick and I was really unbalanced on my feet. I thought If I lay down for an hour or two I would be able to pop up and see him swim after warm up but it was actually the second session at 5pm before I felt well enough to go and watch. I felt so rough but it was great to see him getting PB's in all of his races bar one. He has been poorly with a water infection and hadn't done any training last week so he did amazingly well to be knocking 2-7 seconds off his times. Saturday night was an early one for me and I slept quite well. Sunday morning wasn't any better. In fact it was far worse. I woke up around 5.30am feeling extremely dizzy before I had even opened my eyes. It was like a flash back to 1998 when I had a particularly heavy night with the girls and drank 7 pints of cider and cherry B then hit the shots, except this time I had not been drinking at all. Everything spun so I naturally thought If I lay still it would all wear off...no such luck.
By 7am I was bursting for the loo so I tried to make my way across the landing. I think I actually just bounced off the wall and the stair rail all the way to the bathroom. The floor was moving like a roller coaster, the walls were closing in, I couldn't see more than a couple of inches in front of my own face and I felt physically sick. Boy did I feel sick! My co-ordination was gone. I felt like I couldn't function. I tried to clean my teeth but the whole motion and movement made me worse. My head spun, my heart pounded, my stomach heaved, my arms and legs didn't feel connected to the rest of me it was horrendous and so very scary. I made my way gingerly back to the bedroom to wake my husband. I don't know what I wanted him to do but I woke him anyway. Of course his reaction was to stand and look at me with a concerned expression while I heaved and cried which just made me more anxious....I'm not a good patient because I have no patience. Now my husband is brilliant for practical support but the emotional stuff isn't always his strong point bless him and giving me comfort in my time of need is not his forte in life. He prefers to be manly and take charge of the household running which is brilliant but sometimes I just need a hug, some comfort, to be told I am ok and reassured. I don't feel safe in those instances because I know no matter how poorly I am he would never think to call a doctor and that frightens me. There have been many instances in the past when he has left me at home really ill and gone to Uni or work and I have been terrified of being on my own because I haven't been able to get a drink or to the loo or to make food. Now don't get me wrong he is not a heartless man. Far from it but my husband doesn't really know how to do the caring stuff (although he is learning and is better), and he feels if he sorts the boys, goes to work and earns money to look after us all then that is his job. I'm probably not explaining this well at all. He is wonderful and kind and loving and I would not be without him but he doesn't understand what I go through (although again he is learning). he feels as if it is out of his control and so he does all the practical things to looks after the family because that's what he CAN do and he is good at that. Sometimes I just need a bit of reassurance and I don't feel I get that so I get anxious and it makes everything worse. On Sunday I did managed to grab the phone from my bedside cabinet and dial 111 because I knew I needed help. By this time my breathing was short and laboured, my chest felt like someone was sitting on it and I was reaching again. 111 were very nice and sent me a paramedic straight away. The ambulance service called me while we waited and chatted though my symptoms really making me feel calmer.
Dean was the fast responder on scene first and he was nothing short of fab. I wasn't wearing any jarmies...my house is warm...and I often sleep in my pants, (TMI i'm sure), he was very respectful when doing his checks. Dom helped me put my t.shirt top on and Dean ran some checks. BP (low), ECG, (champion), Blood sugars, (also champion). he wanted to give me some meds for the dizziness and as meds are my big phobia I freaked but he was great and found me a prochlorperazine buccal to pop in my mouth under my lip so I felt safer and more in control. Half an hour later when the crew arrived and I could just about manage to move my head he persuaded me to go in the ambulance to hospital to get some proper treatment. I have to say all the staff were brill. I felt so much better when the ambulance was moving and I chatted to Sarah the paramedic on board but as soon as it stopped at a junction or lights...blugh...that was a horrid feeling.
I spent hours in that hospital. The staff were great but rushed off their feet as usual. I had bloods taken and numerous tests then they gave me three lots of medication before I could even stand up to walk to the loo with my sticks. I was terrified because they check for all sorts of conditions like strokes, bleeds on the brain, etc but it all came down to the arthritis in my neck. The vertebrae were pinching the nerves and arteries which was restricting the blood flow to my brain and because I was worried about being dizzy and tensing up it was actually making the problem worse. My lips and face went numb. My arms and legs were numb, it was awful but eventually I was sent home with meds, physio and an apology for them not being able to do any more. This is a life long condition for which there is no cure but they did what they could to make me comfortable and gave advise on managing the symptoms. I was told if I got worse I could ring and that meant a lot because they were so busy and I felt I had wasted their time but I could not have managed at home in that state and I did think I had had a stroke at one point which is apparently normal given the symptoms and my paranoia.
I have realised I can look at this in two ways.
1) It will almost certainly happen again and my balance and vision may be compromised regularly or
2) It is something that can be reduced and managed to a degree with medication and physio, if I play ball and can help myself.
I think I'll take number 2 please. On top of everything else of late I could have done without it but I have been avoiding meds for over a year now and it hasn't really helped. I think I need to find a healthy balance of natural remedies, medication and physio. After all it is all there to help me and so I need to stop fighting this and help myself a little. Instead of seeing meds as a failure and something to be afraid of I need to see them as there to help me improve my quality of life. I'm great at self healing but rarely go to a healer for help myself so I changed that too and rang Peter Longthorn (A psychic healer friend of mine on Facebook), yesterday for a distant healing session. I also need to get in the habit of doing my physio several times day, even when I feel well or I am busy because if I don't do it, it won't work!
I have always been a busy and positive person....or thought I was but I am aware I put my own health last. If anyone needs advice I am straight there. I give healing out to friends, family, clients and complete strangers all day long every day, which is fine and I wouldn't have it any other way but I need to remember to have and healing for myself too. I either work 24/7 or I am ill and can't work at all! I have been really trying this year to get a better balance with some success so there is progress on that scope but I need to do much more. I have found today whilst giving myself a self hypnosis treatment that I am almost afraid of healing myself for fear there will be a consequence. I took myself right back to just before conception and looked at areas and times in my life where I had grey, sticky or negative energy and I realised that when trying to send healing to those parts of my life I struggled to accept it! Why? because I felt unworthy of full healing. I had taken all the negatives from my life and felt I had somehow deserved them and if I rectified the situation then something else would go wrong instead as a sort of punishment. Even writing his makes me feel I should delete it and not mention it but by hiding those feelings I am not doing myself any favours because it just compounds the problem.
What I have had to tell myself is that we are all part of the same wonderful Universe. We ALL deserve to be well and happy. That doesn't have to mean riches and material possessions, it means being happy with ME and my life as I have been handed it. Accepting the bad, making more of the good, as I do but also realising that the negative isn't aimed at me in a deliberate way it is just life! Many of us focus way too much on the bad things in life and the law of attraction states that this in turn brings us more of the same. I found that actually I could not forgive myself for being part of a negative situation no matter what it was or who's fault it was, even if it was no ones fault. I blamed my parents for things beyond their control in my childhood and I blamed me. Now none of this came to me consciously this was all in my subconscious and came to me as a bit of a surprise...but not a total surprise. I just carried on through these tough times and moved forward into the light, determined to make the future better but because I didn't learn the lessons I needed to learn from the patterns they kept re-occurring. Even with all my positive thinking I wasn't healing the energy and learning the lesson. I was just pushing on. On reflection of that self hypnosis session this afternoon I felt I deserved the negative sticky patches of energy somehow and if I healed them, they not would come round in another way. I am not sure if this is true or not but I know that I need to do something so I have age regressed myself and sent healing, forgiveness and positivity to ME throughout every stage of my life and also to all the people in it during those times. I'm not really sure how effective this will be but I do know it works wonders on my hypnotherapy clients and I know the healing works so why shouldn't I think it will work on me too? I need to see myself as important as the other people I treat, heal and advise and I need to realise that I am worthy of good health, in every sense of the word. I remember praying when I was 14 that I could take on my Dad's illness to free him from pain. A year later I became ill and have developed a similar illness to him but mine is benign. Is it chance? Is it defective genes? Did I somehow wish it on myself? I don't know but what I do know is no matter how much pain I experience I can not take my Dad's pain away from him and now there are two of us suffering. Perhaps I would have this anyway or perhaps the Quantum effect happened and I allowed my subconscious to take on an illness that was not mine. Perhaps a different approach would have been better. Had I known what I was doing when giving my Dad healing at that time I would have taken him deep inside of his own subconscious and rectified the negative energy, transmuting it and sending it away to be used as healing energy instead of thinking if I took the punishment for him it would make him better and I could bare the pain for him?
Peter's healing was wonderful. I could feel the heat from his hands, even though it was a telephone consultation and I accepted it. I'm great at giving the healing out but I'm not one for accepting it well, although I have been doing a lot of self healing these last few weeks and it helps me more than anything. He told me just where the pain and knots were in my neck and to massage them o transfer the heat from my hands to the areas of pain and tension. After a bout 1 minute I felt a click in my neck and it was a very mild but instant relief. The healing only lasted a few minutes but it was lovely and I felt so relaxed. A little while after I was well enough to have a shower and wash my hair and make a nice cup of tea. I spent a few hours on the sofa then slept really well. This is what I need more often. My clients all report similar experiences after a healing session with me but this time it is I who need the healing. I hate letting my clients down, especially my regulars but this week I have had to cancel all of my work because even typing this is hard going. The vertigo has gone down loads but I feel as weak as a kitten. My arms and legs feel like they don't belong to me. Just trying to move them is such and effort. It's quite frightening really. It's almost like my brains telling them to move but it is all in slow motion and I have little strength. Of course 'Logically' I have been tense for days with the vertigo and that in itself will have fatigued my muscles. I have lain down most othe day every day since Saturday (It is now Tuesday evening) and again I will have lost strength because of that. Plus I have had a nasty illness affecting every part of me and not forgetting I am on meds to block the dopamine in my brain so even though I am now on reduced meds I took a lot on Sunday and the effects of that are probably still in my system. The effects of the meds can slow your reactions to things so 'logically' I am not suffering anything unexpected, however If I allow myself to think about it I am terrified...so I am trying NOT to think about it and just relax. When I relax and rest I have a while of not feeling like this. It is only when I am doing stuff it happens so I must take my own advice and allow my body to heal. I will be calling Peter again soon for more healing and I would love to travel south to see him for Psychic surgery when I am well enough and can afford to go he has amazing results from his clients.
Today I have done two self healing sessions and my self hypnosis. I will do another healing session tonight and see what happens tomorrow. Although I feel anxious when I get up and move about because I feel so weak, I am not in full panic mode and when I am resting \I feel quite calm, which is brill because I really don't think I would have the strength for more anxiety or panic attacks on top of everything else.
Now I know that it is a problem with the blood flow to my head, surprisingly I feel a bit easier because I feel I have a little control back. I know I can help myself with exercises and it gives me a reason for all the symptoms I have been suffering since January on top of the fibro and it gives me a sense that the anxiety is for a reason. I don't like it and I don't want to think what might happen in years to come but I am actually already looking at a brighter future because armed with knowledge I can take preventative measures and understand the symptoms when they happen. I know I really need to start living in the moment more and put more faith in my bodies natural ability to heal itself. The body after all knows exactly what drugs need to be administered, when and how much, I just need to let it do it's job without interfering with negative thoughts or creating problems that are not there. My body also knows how to heal itself perfectly from any dis-ease...if I can let it. Stress and anxiety are responsible for 75% of health problems at least and the rest comes down to diet, environment, genes, etc. It is said that 1 in 25,000 people can spontaneously recover from terminal cancer with no signs that the disease ever existed and I am intrigued by this. I know the body breaks down and repairs itself constantly. Every 3 months we have a whole new skeleton. Every 4 months a new liver. Every 6 weeks a new skin. My kidneys repaired themselves from the damage caused by the IGA Nephropathy when I was a teenager because I relaxed and rested and allowed my body to heal and I took the medicines that the doctors gave me and trusted they would work...and they did! I actually gave healing to a lady who healed herself of terminal cancer. She ate well, took her medicines, went for healing regularly and above all else she believed in her Angels and in her own natural ability to heal. This follows a similar theory to Ayurvedic medicine and I am just starting to look into that along with Mindfulness and Deepack Chopra's theory n Quantum healing.
if nothing else these last few months have made me stop and think. I want to take control back of my life because I feel it has spiralled out of control away from me. It is time I made myself well and got back to living the life I truly want to live. I love my job and had I not been ill I would maybe not have gone back to working Holistically. I would ideally like to work full time with my healing, hypnotherapy and holistic therapy and even the psychic part of my work if my health permits. I would like to be financially stable and independent and If I can work more hours I can achieve that. To take the family on a holiday abroad or even to continue camping but be able to go for 2 or 3 weeks over the summer without running out of money, energy or developing pain and fatigue would be wonderful for us all and isn't too much to ask I don't think. I want to be able to take my family to Ypres to see my husbands Great Grandfathers resting place, view the war graves and experience the last post with 8,000 other people. We should have done this last week but couldn't because I was unwell and hadn't worked much for a while so finances didn't allow. All of these things I aim for but today is what I live for. If I can make today a well day. I can make tomorrow a well day when it arrives and build my future one block at a time. It's great to have goals to work towards but I need to focus on right now in order to achieve them. My aim tonight is to stay calm...already working on it...rest and get well, so that tomorrow is better. Then I can get back to work when I have taken adequate time to heal and make my plans as I go along. But first I need to accept that I am able to have good health. That I deserve good health or at least be the best I can be and I am the only person in a position to make the most of the life I have been handed because no one else can do it for me.
Hi my Name is Philippa Woodsford and I am a Holistic therapist, Reiki Master Teacher and Hypnotherapist. I suffer with anxiety and depression due to a condition called fibromyalgia which I believe is linked with an auto immune disease I was diagnosed with at just 17. My blog is written for me as a sort of journal but also in the hope it may bring hope and healing to others suffering with similar issues on a daily basis. Enjoy